Jokes, Puns and Wordplay

Q – What do you call a concession trailer that only sells hamburgers?
A - A patty wagon (paddy wagon)

Q - What do you call a pasty who is late for school?
A – Tarty (tardy)

Q - What is a dog’s favorite food from the sea?
A - Fido-Plankton (phytoplankton)

Q - What is a dog’s favorite piece of furniture?
A - Bark-a-lounger

Q - What do you call a dog who likes to swim back and forth in the pool?
A – A lap dog

Q - What do you call a psychotic washing machine?
A - Unbalanced (or agitated)

Q – Why would an angel need an ambulance?
A - If he had harp failure

Q – What is a dog’s favorite TV Western?
A - Rawhide

Q - What room of a hotel would a horse stay in?
A - The bridle suite

Q - What is the most popular pattern for dog apparel?
A - Houndstooth

Q - What would you call someone who didn’t understand evaporation?
A - Mist-I-fied

Q – Why did the fur trapper cross the road?
A – to get to the other hide

Q - What is a dog’s favorite Halloween decoration?
A – A jackal lantern

Q - What is a sheep’s favorite action movie?
A – Rambo

Q – What do you call it when people swap friendly saplings?
A – They exchange Pleasant-Trees

Q – What did the frog do when his car broke down?
A – He had it toad

Q – A police officer returns from covering a robbery and brings several pieces of jewelry with him. His asks, “Is that evidence?” The officer replies, “No, just accessories” (to the crime).

A woman covered in chickenpox runs into a doctor’s office and begins yelling for help. When the nurses cannot calm her down the doctor comes into the waiting area and says: “Hey, don’t do anything rash”.

Q – What does a dog call an extra nummy?
A – A bone-us (bonus)

Q – What do you call adhesive in a really ugly bottle?
A – tacky glue

A miniature pony is at the drugstore and the pharmacist asks if he needs help to which he replies, “Yes, I’m a little hoarse”.

Off kilter – Scotsmen getting naked

Q – What do you call a sulking dog?
A – pet-ulant

If someone is thinking about wassail are they mulling it over?

Q – How’s that ram’s horn working out?
A – shofar, so good

If you are clumsy you should eat more foods with anti-accidents.

Q – What file type do you use for ocean sounds?
A - .wav files

Q – What do you call a woman who only eats onions?
A – The lady of shallot

Q – What do you call someone attracted to big hairdos?
A – An Afro-disiac

I like to use aromatic candles as scent-erpieces.

I think of my hair as an extension of myself.

A cat climbed up into the engine of my car and slept on the catalytic converter.

A stringed instrument that plays itself - autoharp

You think they ever build Pier 1 by the dock for irony?

When your parrot flies away - polygon

Slow down there poison ivy, don't be rash

How was the Chinese food? Tso Tso

Lots of words use two letter O's like food and good. We call this an au pair

When you only get sleet in certain areas the storm is isolated. (Ice-o-lated)

The church just got all new fluorescent bulbs, it was pretty illuminating.

There's a conservative religious order that requires members to get LASIK, they are very observant.

What spell does a wizard use to unlock the magic of Hanukkah? Alo-Menorah (Alohomora)

Greek myth cheese : gorgon-Zola

Mean vegetable - rudeabaga (rutabaga)

Dog fruit : pupaya

My rabbits won't eat their carrots.
Oh do you have bunnies, because they only eat baby carrots.

Free sex is pro-boner.

Irish baked goods - Blarney Scones

I'm in college to be a traveling singer, I'm pre-minstrel.

Jet sliding on a puddle - hydroplane

Q - what kind of bait do libraries use?
A - Microfiche

If your sauce isn't spicy enough you can call the hotline to complain.

I'm confused by the expression 'hail do the queen,' why would she wants frozen precipitation?

You look like you're from Canaan, Amorite? (Am I right?)

The Spring festival for pancake condiments is when we dance around the maple (may pole).

When someone makes you eat all your Easter candy - Peep (peer) pressure.

When you are having dinner with some punctuation its accommodate (a comma date).

If you are scared of bovines are you cowed by them?

When your cylinder finishes high school, he graduates.

If you baby your eggs, do you coddle them?

Be like ‪‎Burger King‬, put milk powder in your smoothie and have it your whey

Santa's favorite sandwich.
Peanut butter and jolly.

Spontaneous crocodile / insta-gator

The best way to secure your tractors and harvesters is with a combine-ation lock.

You can prop up plywood with lumbar (lumber) support.

froze my salad, good thing its made of iceberg lettuce.

If you get an email about canned meat don't open is spam.

Be wary of chess players they can have a checkered past 

A dog who likes cantaloupe is a Melon-ois. (Malinois )
Did you hear about the guy who bought shoes from a drug dealer? He was tripping all day because they were laced with something.

Q - Why do cows have hooves?
A - Because they lactose

Q - what do you call a two legged cow?
A - lean beef.

What makes a song longer?
An extension chord.

Curry favor = to owe someone Indian food

To sing and tell stories about bootay you must bum-bard your audience.

Q - What do you call laws for birds?
A - Cardinal rules

law protecting records made for future use - memoranda rights

I don't like handbags. I'm not that kind of purse-son (person)

Camels in a crisis are drama-dary. (dromedary)

The walk you take before you write a series of fundamental principles is the pre-amble to the constitution.

If you eat curry without breaks, its a naan stop meal.

Q - What do you call a hippie's wife?
A - Mississippi

Q - What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A - lamb-orghini.

A weightlifters favorite jewelry is the barbell

If you were born from September 23 - October 22 you probably vote Libra-tarian

When the pinniped says yes, you know you have the seal of approval.

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